Log in

No account? Create an account
this is where my secrets lie. [entries|friends|calendar]
miss stefanie.

miss stefanie.
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

put that in your pipe and smoke it. [
August 17, 2007
[ mood | stoned, per usual. ]

myspace blogs are where it's at, bitches.

0 read reply

how exactly does one suck a fuck? [
April 16, 2007
[ mood | curious ]

bryan, you're the only one who writes any entries anymore.
(well, on a regular basis)
and i am so very thankful for that.

everyone else: your entries blow, there's shit to be worried about in the world. shit that deserves much more attention than the predicaments that you get yourself into by your own fucking attention-whoring choices. ah, that didn't make too much sense.

but fuck you all.
and go look outside. look at the green buds coming off the trees from behind the leaves that died off a week or two ago.
look at the crack in the pavement that developed into a pothole over the winter.
listen for birds and then go look for the nest.

um, yeah. you suck.

0 read reply

sterility=serenity. sarcasmmm [
January 22, 2007
[ mood | sleepy ]

i'm alive. but right now, only by default.

i just started this semester and i can't wait for it to end already. i embrace my conformity and deny it all at once. oh well, i only have 6 more weeks in my semester, so it's not too terribly bad.

i'm attempting to plan a much needed "vacation" for the end of this semester. most likely, my grandpa's house in florida; it's very quiet. or maybe a camping trip. or maybe i'll travel deep into the desert, ingest some peyote, wander out a few days later, and never speak of it. either way, i need some time to think. to forget what i'm doing in order to remember why i'm doing it.

i was thinking of not smoking pot. but i rely on my batty like i relied on my vallium. i didn't like the fact that i "had" to take my vallium to get through the day. now i "have" to smoke or else i feel overwhelmed. i guess that's the best way to put it.


shall i tack on any more Majors/minors?

one of these days i'll have pictures up. i swear it.

i miss bryan. and i miss tyler. and tyler is leaving for iraq. and i like to pretend i don't know it.

i wish i hadn't given my sleeping pills to people who needed them. they'd be useful right now.

look outside, and appreciate each tiny, glittering snowflakeicecrystal on the ground. each and every one. no one appreciates these things anymore. go look at a fucking star. go kiss a baby. make a giant chocolate chip cookie. look at who's closest and appreciate them.


0 read reply

August 8, 2006
[ mood | contemplative ]

i feel as if parts of my self are being ripped apart everytime a friend gets on with their life. i mean, sure, i moved to columbia, but i always knew i could save up gas money and stay at my mom's house and i'd be just fine. now i see others going on to bigger and better things, leaving me with that gut feeling that our friendship exists only when we are within 200 miles from each other. i hate it. i fucking hate it. i think i feel things too deep or something. i don't know. why can't i just be happy for them? excited that they're living up to what i always knew they could be. there's a select few out there that are leaving, that i always new and said that they were better than their environment would allow them to be. now they've begun to realize it, and go off to chicago, or england, or new york city, or milan. i should be happy, they're finally realizing it (though some of them still continue deny it, even though they've accomplished so many impossibles that even i'm astounded) but by realizing it, i guess they have to forget other things, or move past other things. and i just don't want it to be me.

god damnit, now i'm crying in the library.

i'm gonna go vote, since i've only got about 4 more years to do so in this country. fuck it, i just want the sticker.

1 read reply

you made your bed. now lie in it. and never wake up. [
June 29, 2006
[ mood | i hate doubles!!! ]

even though i haven't really had many, if any, encounters with those of my gender lately (excluding my other half and miss linda) i find myself cringing at anything even remotely feminine. fucking bitches. fuckin drunk fuck whore fuck who can't keep from showing her age and gender (negatively, mind you)and can't keep from thrusting her gaping vag at anything with any sexual organs whatsoever. liz sweda, you know who that's to. to anyone else reading this, i'm sure you all know a girl like that. this one makes me vomit.

pretentiousness. or something like that. shoud have to suffer spontaneous combustion.

sorry, i'm in a cranky mood today. mostly because i have to work from 11 am until sometime between 11 pm and 1 am. please send me good vibes through the atmosphere to get me through this day.

fuckin' a. so cheesy.

1 read reply

ihateworkingihateworkingihateworking [
June 14, 2006
[ mood | annoyed! ]

it's my day off today. i fell asleep when i was supposed to pick brandon up from work but i fell asleep. he ended up walking about 90 percent of the way home, i found him just a few blocks before our apartment. he was pissed. super pissed.
the fact that i'm going to be seeing those of you that i really want to see in the very near future. that makes me excited. although there are some of you that i would like to see that it doesn't seem i will be. well, actually that only accounts for two people. so no one else get their hopes up.
if anyone wants to co sign for me on a 3000 dollar loan (minimum with my bank) so that i can build some credit, let me know. this is mostly targetting tom and brian, but i don't think they believe in livejournals, so it's pointless to type that. And I know Bryan won't do it, though he knows I'm good for it. HINTHINTHINT! nah, it's honestly just if any of you don't mind. i don't want you to think i'm pressuring you because it really would be just a favor to me.
columbia's beautiful right now. a bit too hot for me, but the shade is perfect and there's a cool breeze most of the time. meditating on the cliffs early in the morning is magnificent.

joe: stay away from whores. that's a suggestion, not a command. but have more self respect than that. we'll talk about it soon, hopefully.

2 read reply

mescaline, LSD, mushrooms. guess which caused me to have a seisure. [
June 9, 2006
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

i'm not ignoring any of you.

wait. that's a lie, there are some of you i am ignoring for a very specific purpose but i hope that you all can differentiate between the good vibes i'm sending and the bad vibes. if you can't, don't hesitate to call me, since that seems to be the only way to really get ahold of me anymore. and believe it or not, i've come to detest the phone. so, if i don't answer, or i just plain sound awkward, ignore it.

a week or two ago i cut my hair. by myself. and dyed it. by myself. i chopped 4 inches off to create the longest layer and i think i cut about 6 inches off to create the shortest layer. and last night, i shaved brandon's hair into a mohawk again. and i must say, i create the best damned mohawks this side of the mississippi. oh, and i forgot to say. i look fucking hot. if my hands didn't cramp up after one hair cut, i might do this more often. but i can still pull off one hair cut per day! any takers? aw, come on.

i've lost someone to the north east coast of this god forsaken country. i don't hear from him, and i worry. then again, everytime i do speak to him, i hear the same thing as before. when the girl is living with another guy and has been for about 8 months, do you still tell her you love her on the rare occasion that you do call her? more so, do you tell her at the end of the call so you throw her off guard? eh. i have a bad feeling that next time he comes to visit a certain whore might cry her way into bed with him again. but that's his decision. it's just a desperate one. and if he does, i suggest he go and get tested. at least that, please. oh and dear god use a condom. *shudders*

people are changing. changing while i'm not there. i'm so excited to hear about it, because these people deserve the best and it looks like they're making it for themselves and realizing the amazing qualities i have seen in them all along. but. there are those few that i had so much hope for, who have gone on a self-serving, pseudo-righteous brigade. these people seem to be digging their own graves as pleasantly as they can and cutting themselves short in every aspect of their Self.

i've been arrested 3 times in the past month. gasp!

If any one of you reading this is ever in Columbia, you better fucking come and see me. I'm getting sick of this shit. I LIVE in columbia, so you know i'll be there. you're visiting, how am i supposed to keep track of when you come in and when you leave town. if anything else you all have always got a place to stay, to smoke, and to drink... in moderation. sorry, i don't really drink anymore. i try, but i just have no desire to.

there'll be more soon. as in in the next week. i swear to it. love!

12 read reply

stolen from miss maki. [
February 20, 2006
[ mood | boredom has taken over. ]


go there. it'll be a very small moment of your time. thank you.

1 read reply

Memorandum [
January 31, 2006
[ mood | ecstatic!!1! ]



sorry for all you suitors and available ladies out there.

7 read reply

pick me up and spin me around. [
January 30, 2006
[ mood | no way to define it. ]

i tore that boy's world apart, so that he could pick up the pieces and put them together correctly. it was not my intent to cause such a commotion, but i don't regret it, and i don't wish it didn't happen to him. he's on his way, and he's a good kid. he'll do well. good luck in oregon, joe.

look, it's me and rachel! yay!

0 read reply

oh livejournal, how much have you missed me? [
January 4, 2006
[ mood | HAPPINESS an amazing dicovery. ]

but i adore her.
but i adore her.
this will never happen.
that one goes out to bryan. <3 miss you, old'n.

i have been ridiculously busy lately. but not in a negative way at all. in the past month, i have began to sleep through the night, at normal hours, and wake up early and without taking three hours to convince me that it is safe outside of the world of security under my comforter; began working towards sort of starting my own business (it's a long story); taken over as editor in chief of misery weekly; cuttng off ties to a relationship; moved in with my best friend; became a bar tender for wednesday nights at the blue fugue; was hired at that call center again; took off the door to my car and fixed the window; gotten rid of my sidekick; bought a RAZR and bluetooth headset for 39 dollars (aircraft metal, i won't even be able to break the damn thing); discovered life and death; began to smoke hand rolled cigarettes; realized my pot head capabilities (don't ask. seriously.); signed up for classes; and did a ton of shite that i kept putting off. because of that, though, i haven't had any socializing time with the exception of a select few. and i'm sorry for that. but i've got to get my life in order and myself comfortable to take on other people. it's not like i won't hang out, i just won't be able to very often, you know? bah.

brian is moving in soon. hoo fuckin' rah! i am excited. me, brandon, and brian.

question for you all. is it: smoke, toke, eat; smoke, eat, toke; eat, smoke, toke; eat, toke, smoke; toke, smoke, eat; or toke, eat, smoke.
it's a long story.

i am happy.

6 read reply

freedom, sweet freedom. [
November 24, 2005
[ mood | comfortably numb. ]

so. i got out last night. i was in a psych ward. for a week and a half. had a gorgeous view of the city from every 6 inch thick glass window. the 6 inches would be for jumping prevention, if you didn't figure it out. i had a set bedtime. i had a set breakfast time. i had a set lunch time. i had a set dinner time. i had a set diet. i had "groups" all day, ranging from activity therapy (including table games, arts and crafts, yoga, and pilates), cognitive therapy (focusing on your thoughts and how they efect your feelings and behaviors and how to control your thoughts), music therapy, social work group, and then i had to meet with a nurse or tech twice a day to evaluate my mood and such, and i had to meet with my doctor at least once a day. it was safe. it was serene. i really didn't dislike it one bit, i enjoyed it, really. i walked out the doors with brandon and was terrified. for once, i felt fresh polluted air instead of processed, conditioned air. there were people all around me that weren't in hospital gowns or scrubs. i could smoke whenever i wanted. i don't like this place, i want to go back. i want to stay where i can take my medication and get my vallium whenever i need it without abusing it. i want to stay where people are concerned about me and make sure i can't go back to my habits of hiding in the background and pretending like everything is ok until i get close to the point of no return. i can't interact. i can't deal with this out here. brandon goes back to columbia with me on sunday. he will be making sure i take my medication, that i drink the 3 liters of water i now have to drink because of my medication, that i eat a healthy balanced diet, that i shower on a regular basis, that i sleep at night and wake up in the morning. i'm car-less until i get back to columbia. so. if you want to see me. i'm at my mom's until sunday. i don't expect many/any calls or invitations out. so don't feel like you're obligated.

1 read reply

hey i wont be around for a while [
November 14, 2005
hey i am in the hospital now and they wont let me use cell phones or computers :( i should be back in a week or so hopefully!!
0 read reply

a temporary farewell. [
November 12, 2005
[ mood | asdfjkl!!! ]

so. um. my psychiatrist has ordered me to be hospitalized. i told him i didn't want to go, that i have shit to do, that i couldn't take time out of my life for this. he told me if i didn't check myself in, he'd just get a court order. i must say, the prospect of getting dragged away in a straight jacket is quite appealing, but yeah. i'm not up for that. i'm not up for much, as of late. anyway. he let me have until sunday at 3 pm to check in. he's calling it the "relaxation ward", but i think we all know what it is. it's not THAT bad, i guess. i don't know all the conditions, really. i don't know if i can have visitors. i don't know if i can bring work to do. i don't know if i can bring a phone. i don't know if i can bring a computer. regardless, i'm bringing them. basically, the purpose of me going in is so that they can pump me full of happy things. right. i'm sure of it. i told him i wasn't taking my medication. so. yeah. god, my head is killing me. anyway. if you want to come visit, i will be at barnes jewish. there's actually only one person i expect to show up, but, eh, i'm not going around to each person and informing them. just a general post. blah. blahblahblah. BLAH!

EDIT: just to clarify, i'm not going to a "mental hospital". as someone thought. it's barnes jewish. christ.

1 read reply

do you realize? [
November 10, 2005
[ mood | miss-ful. wishful. ]

hdkjfhaskjdhfas. for sure from one lone car. for sure from the frantic vim. most likely from dadbot. i can't say i'm not excited. BECAUSE I FUCKING AM. new issue is out. miseryweekly.com. whatwhat.

has anyone else seen these text chat things, basically like those sex lines. except with text messaging. anyone else think they're ridiculous? i mean really.

you know what. i wonder if this will ever really work. we've only tried 4381362784163274 times. but hey, try try again, right? heh. sigh. one of these dayzzz.

paid for by the committee to elect homos.

...................drawn together really is a terrible show.

EDIT: holy shit, wait! my friend is bringing soul caliber III over next next weekend. one of about 4 games i like. by like, i mean i can play. so, uh, excuse my amateur excitement.

4 read reply

i just want to be good for you. [
November 8, 2005
[ mood | it's all gone to hell. ]

there's no hope in anything any more. people are rude. people are mean. people care for no one else but themselves, honestly. everyone. i mean EVERYONE. you can be considered the most selfless of all people, but you still care about yourself more. i promise. the world is so pathetic. society is pathetic. what is the purpose of us being here? why? WHY? why can't we just go home. why can't we just go where we belong. i want to give up so badly. the only reason for me doing anything with my life is so others don't get upset with me, so that i don't hurt others. so that i don't disappoint anyone. but i'm not making people happy by actually doing anything. so would i really be letting everyone down? i mean, if i just disappeared off the map, eventually people would forget, right? HDAIUFHDSILFHFHAIUFHAWEUFHAHFUWEFHAIUEFHAWIEUKFHA i just want to be good for you. or else fade into the background.

EDIT: i was wrong, you didn't bail on me. you ditched me. with no warning. still no call four hours after you were supposed to be here. i thought you got in an accident. i called highway patrol to see if there were any accidents. i drove around columbia for you thinking you got lost, even though i have a warrant out for my arrest. i am so tired of trusting people.

0 read reply

forget the guitar string ring, give me this! [
November 6, 2005
[ mood | pms-ing. watch the fuck out. ]

so uh. i just watched the ending of my fair brady. and he proposed to the super model. and i cried. amd it was so beautiful. i want to be proposed to like that. where i think he's letting me go and all of a sudden he says "or, you can spend the rest of your life with me" and pulls out a ring. god. it was amazing. hope you guys see it. because. there's your standard. and thats a damned high standard to live up to. he did it beautifully. kudos to you, brady.

2 read reply

someone please explain this to me. [
November 6, 2005
[ mood | edgy! terrified! fearful! uhhh ]

dustin: sdvbsdfbsdb

tinyvesselsBURST: what's wrong?

dustin: you asking me?

dustin disconnected at 3:43

so, uh, i'm lost. i'm not sure if what is wrong is the fact that i asked him "what's wrong", or the fact that i asked if he could do the show not expecting him to say yes (though i'm excited he said yes, or maybe for that matter. it's for the newspaper, so a good band means a good turnout.), or is is he asking if i'm asking him. i swear to god everytime he pops up, life gets so much more complicated. whether it's lying to 15 year old girls about courting me, or blocking my screen name from other people's screen names without telling them, or whether just simply booking a show with him, it's all just so complicated. i'm not used to this anymore. simplicity, simplicity, simplicity. that's. what. i. like. well, now, at least. i guess i can't blame him, god knows i've caused my fair share of drama in everyone's lives. but god. he's 21 years old. isn't he growing weary of keeping up with it all? sigh. such a shame to see a good guy get caught up in such bullshit. even more so when he's brought it all upon himself. so. that means. since i'm very iffy on whether he actually wants to do the show or is serious about it, i've got 2 "maybe"s. with dadbot and the frantic vim. so. I'M FUCKING SCREWED. please. someone. find a pretty popular columbia band that i can stand and tell them to get in contact with me because god knows, i will fuck this up. or at least i'm scared i will. i just don't believe i'll ever be able to amount to anything, and everyone should run away as fast as they can as soon as they can. because. really. i'm bad news bears. haha. not that you all didn't know that yet.

and i'm chugging those smirnoff things in hopes of getting to sleep. and i'm not sure it's working. i miss touch. i miss being close to someone. i miss the heat of someone's breath on my neck while i sleep with their arms wrapped around me. i felt safe, then. and now. now. i have to leave the tv on 24/7. even when i'm not home. because someone's going to break into my house. though i live in a neighborhood where i rarely even hear a party on the weekends. when it's dark out, i look around and hold my key in such a way that if someone tries to attack me, i can jab it into their thigh and get away. i am alone in this town, even with my friends. i called tonight when it rained to make sure my cat was ok. i don't trust the world. i feel like i'm curled up in a dark corner shaking while holding my kitten tight, trying to hide from the bad-ness of the world. though honestly, i don't feel that everyone around me is "bad" or anything. i just. don't feel safe anymore. i don't feel secure. i need that security. hold me close, and never let me go. that's some shitty, shitty band. i honestly don't remember which one. but now it's stuck in my head. fhdsjkafhkdsajfhas. give me another drink, and i'll go to bed. promise. (by the way, i don't drink hardly ever, don't worry kidlets.)

1 read reply

calling all cars! calling all cars! [
November 3, 2005
[ mood | bitchy ]

so. i have a warrant out for my arrest, so i'm thinkig driving home this weekend isn't such a good idea. but i really want to see my family and everyone else.

dustin's band, one lone car, will hopefully be playing my benefit show. i've also gotten "most likely"s from the frantic vim and dadbot. sooo, we'll see how it goes. i can't believe i had the balls to ask him. oh well.

so. i'm sore all over. i have a massive migraine. and i'm feeling rather sick. i need some excedrin. i need some lovin' massage. and i need normal eating/sleeping habits. if you can provide any of the above, please contact me for details.

so. the reason i'm feeling all this bad-ness. is most likely th suicide girls thing. they can still reject me after my first shoot. and if they do. they can either tell me to submit a new shoot in 3 months or submit a new shoot in 6 months, depending on how much work they think i need. all of a sudden. i'm doing really terrible in psychology. which is not good. because i needed to keep that a to make sure i've got a b average. and in general. i suck at lyfe. hard core stylee. i miss everything life used to be. i'm not healthy for myself. i sleep all day. i stay awake until 9 am on a regular basis. i get no work done. i don't care about how i look. i come out of my cave only for the coffee shop and the occasional to frequent show, depending on the week. then i get to these places. and my head hurts. and i don't want to be around people. and yeah. and then i leave. and people get mad at me for leaving so soon. i give up. i. give. up.


1 read reply

oh dear god. [
November 2, 2005
[ mood | nervous ]

Hey there! Thanks for your application to become a SuicideGirl. You
look perfect for our site, and you've now passed the first stage of the
application process.

You are on your way to becoming a SuicideGirl - we just need a few more
things from you. Please log into your application area. The address


Your username is: *******
Your password is: *******

Type the address into a new browser window and press enter, then copy
and paste the username and password into the login form. Webmail (like
hotmail or yahoo) frames the page and interferes with our system, so
you must open the application page in a new browser window.

Please save this address and your login and password. You can check
this page anytime to see the status of your application :)

When you visit your application page, you'll find all the information
you need to become a SuicideGirl. We need a few more things from you in
order to complete your application, so just follow the instructions on
that page and if you have any trouble, feel free to email me at
models@suicidegirls.com and I will try to assist you.

Thank you, and I look forward to getting everything we need from you so
you can become a SuicideGirl!

LauraJean Suicide

so. uh. i'm a suicide girl. my first shoot is on the 19th. my friend bryan is doing it, he's amazing at all that jazz. i'm freaking out. everytime i think about it, i break out in a sweat. what if they don't like the shoot? what if they don't think i look good? what if they change their mind once they see my shoot? oh god. but. in all reality. i am so proud to be a part of this. i mean. suicide girls is amazing. it has taken huge steps for men and women, exposing the beauty of the NATURAL female form. not some blonde hair, blue eyed bimbo with giant fake titties. the only thing that bothers me is when people call it porn. it's not. it's supposed to be art. they even tell you to make it 40s pin up style, and nothing more. and i'm late for my meeting. and. i'm a suicide girl fdhjkadfhskjdhfasdkjhfsdjkhfaksjdhfjkasd!

3 read reply

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]